why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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