omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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