Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
