Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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