I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
