I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
