The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
