I puked a lego.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
