***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
