you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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