You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
