Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
