Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
