Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
