found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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