Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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