I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
