words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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