i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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