I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He better not be in your backpack
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
