Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
