Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
A+ Viking dick
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
