I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
