Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
