Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
