i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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