Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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