Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
