I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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