If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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