Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
