I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
