I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
