Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
