Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you made out with another girl for some wings
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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