I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
