I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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