I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
