Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
