the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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