i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
