I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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