she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
