a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
