dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
