he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
