John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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