Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
