Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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