I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
